It’s winter abroad: I’m cold, lonely and homesick

Just two months into my time in France and a wave of loneliness hit me like never before. Winter was in full swing and even though I had watched Western Christmas movies with snowy scenes, I found myself unprepared for the intense cold.  

The sun barely made an appearance and even if it did, it was just for aesthetics and not warmth. Daylight didn’t arrive until around 8 a.m. and it faded away as early as 5 p.m. 

We woke up to rain showers most days, and we were lucky if they didn’t last all day. The streets felt empty and quiet. The few people I did encounter on the road were bundled up, each focused on keeping warm. 

With hardly any friends aside from my colleagues, it felt so sad to return to my lonely apartment. I didn’t even know the name of the neighbour next door, let alone see them. 

My amazing English students were my motivation for early morning. Sure, they could be tiresome at times, as kids often are, but they generally brightened my day. 

When I arrived in class, they were always so excited to see me. The younger ones would run up, shouting my name from afar, and wrap me in their tiny yet warm hugs. Some gave me bisous (pecks) and others just wanted to hug me forever.  

I felt valued, seen, and loved, even if it was just kids being kids. 

We played games both in and out of the classroom, and I read them stories, making funny faces and mimicking voices. We sang along to music videos, and this brought so much joy.

They would tell me stories and ask innocent questions like, “Why don’t you have a car?” or “Do you have a boyfriend?” 

One day, as I was leaving school, a lady I had seen around but never spoken to approached me. “My son, Ethan, asked me to invite you for Christmas because you’re here alone, and your family is back in Kenya,” she said.

To say I almost shed a tear would be the absolute truth. Out of all the million things any kid would think of during Christmas, this six-year-old boy thought about me. He saw through the loneliness I was trying to hide and became a messenger of good news.

But even before this sweet invitation, I had met some amazing people during those first two months. My colleagues at school were incredibly accommodating. 

One hosted me for a week on my arrival in France and others showered me with gifts and bundles of stuff to help me feel comfortable as I settled in my apartment. 

They invited me to dine with them, go out with them, and even during the vacations, they would always check up on me. 

All this made me realize that good people exist all around the world. 

I expressed my gratitude to them, but sometimes I felt I didn’t show it well enough because there was always this overwhelming wave of sadness, lingering over me. Even when I was in their company, I often found it hard to join their discussions unless someone asked me a direct question.

At my place of residence, we often had activities like dinners together, hiking, and painting. But even while doing these things, I joined in mainly because I didn’t want to seem snobby and because, honestly, I had no other friends in that town. Them and my colleagues were the closest people I could lean to. 

It became clear that during these months of settling in, I was really struggling with cultural integration. With every meeting, I would leave, sighing in relief, thanking God that I had made it through yet another one.  

All of this weighed on me because I felt guilty for feeling sad and lonely in the company of people who had been nothing but good to me.  

Talking to my family always made me feel less alone, but it felt tiresome and boring to tell them or my friends the same problems every day. Sometimes I felt, they might not fully comprehend my struggles, and that was okay. Even when they encouraged me, I’d be okay for a day or two, and reality hit again.

Amidst it all, the kids eased my loneliness, not out of kindness, but simply by being themselves, which was comforting.

I gladly accepted Ethan’s invitation and had a wonderful Christmas. This time, I left content and I guess that marked the beginning of better days.

To conclude, settling into a foreign country doesn’t happen overnight. It takes months and often than not one feels out of place.

The truth is, it requires patience as it’s a process of shifting from one’s familiar life back home to a new environment. The mind, body, and heart are still adjusting to these changes, and until they align, it’s completely okay to feel sad and lonely.